I’m lonely read the message on the screen. The cursor blinking away I can see you in my minds eye as you look at your screen waiting for me to reply. I hesitate to answer running through the possible ways to respond and the next message after that. I don’t know where you are, what state of mind you’re in, I have no context no social cues other than that one sentence to go on so I ask instead “What’s the antidote to that?”. Because my medicine, my crutch, my way may not be your way and your loneliness is that which needs tending to now.
I approach you with curiosity and with purpose, I stand by as you think about the question as you look into yourself for the answer to feed this gaping hole that is loneliness. I witness you as you are without pretension and without expectations. You are still you now as you were yesterday and you will be tomorrow no matter how you feel and what you do. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of my time.
You tell me then the poison ingested to feed the hole only made it bigger, the darkness thicker, the walls higher, the despair a concerto of paranoid thoughts. High is not a good word here because low is where it is has taken you, lower than the worse pits of hell and everything seems impossible.
Drug induced despair wears off unless it kills you first I think but say nothing. Now is not the time. You tell me you’re in a program, falling off the wagon. Is there someone on the program one could call for a chat I ask. Not until the next meeting. It would be good to talk I say. Perhaps this is it I think, I am someone to talk to. So I think hard about what to say and how to say it. Self care is hard I say. The low as with any high will wear off as will the paranoid thoughts and maybe like a drunken stupor one could sleep this off. That’s a short term solution for now but something needs doing to stay on the wagon in the long term, this you can think about in a few hours and right now only focus on the next immediate step to stay calm away from the dark ledge of extinction. Drink water, stay warm, drift away to sleep for a while, you are loved and you are safe now.
We all make a mistakes, this was a mistake and everything will be ok again soon. The loneliness won’t go away but everything will be less overwhelming.
I take a deep breath and hope as you lay down to sleep this off and hope that you’ll be ok not just today but tomorrow and the day after that too.
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